Finding Strength

I never thought I would be sitting here writing this post. Two months ago when we started our IVF journey I kept dreaming of the next two months and the words we had waited to hear for so long...."You're pregnant". Having a family has always been our number one goal. We felt confident, we took every stride correctly. Everything had been going right. What could have gone wrong. We felt the transfer was perfect. We took the waiting period as good as we could. It was hard. Harder than any other IUI we had ever gone through. Every symptom I felt was due to the progesterone I was on. It was playing tricks on me. Evil tricks. Tricks of feeling pregnant.

We had made the mistake of testing early on a HPT. As we sat there in the bathroom waiting for the lines to show up we were overly excited. We thought we had it in the bag. We couldn't help but get excited. Then, right in front of our eyes we stared at a stick that would change our lives forever. We couldn't believe it. How could it be negative. It must have been a mistake. Maybe I didn't hold my pee long enough. Thoughts were flooding our heads. Tears started to stream down our faces. We knew it couldn't turn around. We sat down and sobbed for what seemed forever. My head started to hurt and I could feel my body tensing up from the emotions flooding my body. We didn't want to even go and get the blood test. Why the torture. We had enough.

We walked in and were greated. This time around it felt different. We felt alone and empty handed. We sat down in our usual chairs and right away we were called back. The nurse was all smiles. We were trying so hard to not show our emotions. We didn't want them to know we had cheated and tested early. As I sat in the chair I had sat in many time to get my blood drawn I felt lifeless. The nurse was talking and I couldn't even comprehend what she was saying. She finally told me we would get a call between 2:30 and 4:30. Great, even more waiting. We left hand in hand and walked to the car where we looked at each other cried again. We knew it was going to be okay. We knew everything happened for a reason. A reason we are still trying to understand.

We made the drive back home a long one hour drive. We got home and waited. We ate lunch. We ran errands to get our mind of of things. Finally, the call came in. I answered it. In the back of my head I was hanging on to a tad of hope maybe it could have changed. The nurse asked if it was a good time to talk. I could tell immediately from her voice that she was going to assure me what I had already known. "I'm so sorry but its negative". She went on about what to do from here. The doctor said we could start right away with a frozen embryo transfer. We feel blessed to have two on ice. Two expanded blasts. Two strong embryos fighting. Two embryos covered with prayer.

Its still a hard pill to swallow. It will be an emotional battle the next couple of weeks but that's okay. We have to grieve. We will NEVER give up. Its just not us. We will pick up the pieces and keep building the path we have been building. Sometimes there are cracks in a path but we will get over them. Together.

We have decided this time around we are not going to think so much about the frozen embryo transfer. We need to just let it happen. Keep living our lives as much as possible without thinking too much about everything. We are going to start walking again, keep going to acupuncture, start yoga/meditation and eating more clean. Hormones can really whack your body. I want to get my body normal again and go through this stress free and not wondering what happens next. Like I said before it will just happen.

I wanted to say thank you to all the fellow bloggers out there for all your support. You are all awesome! A special thanks to Ryann, you give me strength each day to keep on going and you are an amazing woman! We are so happy for you!

Thank you to both of our families. Your support has been AMAZING! You are the foundation we live on. Your prayers and guidance has been huge.

Last but not least, to my wonderful wife Sarah. Thank you for being there to pick up my tears when I need you the most and just hugging me. Thank you for unconditional love and support. I love you more than anything. You are my soul mate and I thank God each and everyday for allowing me to love you. I can't and couldn't see my life with any other person. I promise we will have that family we have always dreamed of. I love you buggy.

Till next time <3