Saturday, June 30, 2012

Finding Strength

I never thought I would be sitting here writing this post. Two months ago when we started our IVF journey I kept dreaming of the next two months and the words we had waited to hear for so long...."You're pregnant". Having a family has always been our number one goal. We felt confident, we took every stride correctly. Everything had been going right. What could have gone wrong. We felt the transfer was perfect. We took the waiting period as good as we could. It was hard. Harder than any other IUI we had ever gone through. Every symptom I felt was due to the progesterone I was on. It was playing tricks on me. Evil tricks. Tricks of feeling pregnant.

We had made the mistake of testing early on a HPT. As we sat there in the bathroom waiting for the lines to show up we were overly excited. We thought we had it in the bag. We couldn't help but get excited. Then, right in front of our eyes we stared at a stick that would change our lives forever. We couldn't believe it. How could it be negative. It must have been a mistake. Maybe I didn't hold my pee long enough. Thoughts were flooding our heads. Tears started to stream down our faces. We knew it couldn't turn around. We sat down and sobbed for what seemed forever. My head started to hurt and I could feel my body tensing up from the emotions flooding my body. We didn't want to even go and get the blood test. Why the torture. We had enough.

We walked in and were greated. This time around it felt different. We felt alone and empty handed. We sat down in our usual chairs and right away we were called back. The nurse was all smiles. We were trying so hard to not show our emotions. We didn't want them to know we had cheated and tested early. As I sat in the chair I had sat in many time to get my blood drawn I felt lifeless. The nurse was talking and I couldn't even comprehend what she was saying. She finally told me we would get a call between 2:30 and 4:30. Great, even more waiting. We left hand in hand and walked to the car where we looked at each other cried again. We knew it was going to be okay. We knew everything happened for a reason. A reason we are still trying to understand.

We made the drive back home a long one hour drive. We got home and waited. We ate lunch. We ran errands to get our mind of of things. Finally, the call came in. I answered it. In the back of my head I was hanging on to a tad of hope maybe it could have changed. The nurse asked if it was a good time to talk. I could tell immediately from her voice that she was going to assure me what I had already known. "I'm so sorry but its negative". She went on about what to do from here. The doctor said we could start right away with a frozen embryo transfer. We feel blessed to have two on ice. Two expanded blasts. Two strong embryos fighting. Two embryos covered with prayer.

Its still a hard pill to swallow. It will be an emotional battle the next couple of weeks but that's okay. We have to grieve. We will NEVER give up. Its just not us. We will pick up the pieces and keep building the path we have been building. Sometimes there are cracks in a path but we will get over them. Together.

We have decided this time around we are not going to think so much about the frozen embryo transfer. We need to just let it happen. Keep living our lives as much as possible without thinking too much about everything. We are going to start walking again, keep going to acupuncture, start yoga/meditation and eating more clean. Hormones can really whack your body. I want to get my body normal again and go through this stress free and not wondering what happens next. Like I said before it will just happen.

I wanted to say thank you to all the fellow bloggers out there for all your support. You are all awesome! A special thanks to Ryann, you give me strength each day to keep on going and you are an amazing woman! We are so happy for you!

Thank you to both of our families. Your support has been AMAZING! You are the foundation we live on. Your prayers and guidance has been huge.

Last but not least, to my wonderful wife Sarah. Thank you for being there to pick up my tears when I need you the most and just hugging me. Thank you for unconditional love and support. I love you more than anything. You are my soul mate and I thank God each and everyday for allowing me to love you. I can't and couldn't see my life with any other person. I promise we will have that family we have always dreamed of. I love you buggy.

Till next time <3

14 comments:

Aspgriswold said...

I am so sorry. So sorry. Praying that y'all find peace during this difficult time. You are strong women and will get through this. Know that everything you are feeling is okay and don't hold back. Sending you both lots of thoughts!!

Lexi + Sarah said...

Thank you so much! We are slowly finding peace and acceptance. We could keep asking wha4 went wrong we just know it happened for a reason. We will keep on going. Thank you for the thoughts :)

Meela said...

I'm sorry. I thought you had it in the bag too. It's horrible and painful and there are no words x.

MammaV. said...

oh no...sorry sorry sorry. thre are no words. Support each other and your love will help get through this. and then you will be ready to start again. Love from Italy.

Ryann said...

I just finished reading your post and while the tears are still sliding down my cheeks, I know this is not the end for you. You are two of the strongest women I know and I know that you will keep moving forward. I know how devastating it is to have to hear those words, "not pregnant" and I know the empty feeling that lingers. It's so hard to put our bodies through such a huge stress and not have the outcome we want. I truly believe that the first fresh cycle is the hardest because of that stress. I am praying on your two little frozen babies, that they will bring together the family you have been waiting so long to have.
I am still so sorry that you had to go through this. That you had to hear those words. But I admire so much your strength and courage to continue. You helped give me the courage to try again, and I hope I can do as much for you.
Sending LOTS of hugs and prayers to you both!!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry it didn't work. Just keep hope in those two frozen embryos you have. Thoughts are with you and yur wife.
Babylopez8410

Kristen said...

I hope you find peace and healing over the next several weeks. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. You have each other and it sounds like you have a very strong faith and belief in God. As hard as it is, everything Jhansi a reason and purpose. Trust in that and be there for each other. You will get through this and someday you will have the family you dream of!

sarmarog said...

I'm so sorry for you both. Stay with it and I'm sure you ar finding strength in each other. I know exactly how you feel- i found it helpful to live life for a bit without focusing on the ivf.

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing such a difficult process. My only child was stillborn at 23 weeks in 2004 and with the grieving and picking up the pieces it took me until age 40 before I wanted to try to have another child. My wife has been so supportive. We have been trying with injectables and IUI since last summer with a fibroid removal surgery thrown in there. I just got another bfn and am crushed.
We are talking about IVF, using my wife's younger eggs and I would carry. But we can't proceed for another 18 months due to life and finances.
I am upset that I waited so long and that I may have lost my chance to have a biological child. We will try one more IUI I think. But I am thrilled with the idea of egg sharing.
IVF is wonderful as an option but I also want to remember that it isn't a guarantee, as you two are experiencing. I am so sorry.
My wife always reminds me that as strong willed as we both are, we WILL have a baby together. We WILL have our family. You two will do it too. I guess we have to somehow find peace in the fact that sometimes it just does not happen as we planned. I know from experience, it can be so very painful. But we can and will achieve our dreams no matter what.
Keeping you both in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

Dear Lexi and Sarah,
Thank you for sharing this process - as heartbreaking as it is. My wife and I have been TTC for about 2 years. We have done 8 IUIs and because of both finances and law changes regarding using an open donor in Denmark (where we live), we have had to wait and wait and wait. We hope to start ivf in October. My heart goes out to both you after this attempt. I know how much one invests of oneself in every try. Reading your blog recently, I felt so sure this would work for you and was excited to hear the result. It sounds like you are both brave and have faith in one another, the future, and something greater. Good luck with the next attempt. My thoughts are with you and I am sending all my positive energy for your success.

Best wishes,
Maura

Lexi + Sarah said...

Thank you to everyone who has left us comments. It means the world to us. I cherish all of this in my heart. I wish I could individually comment but it wont let me anymore! We will continue to go on this journey and not give up. I have learned so much on this journey and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

I have also met so many others on this journey around the world. I know one thing for sure is that no matter where we are we all face this IVF struggle in the face. I have hope for all of us!

All this love is amazing!

More Than Words said...

L&S,
I have been a follower of your blog for a few months now and I too was certain that you would get good news this month. I am so very sorry to hear that things didn’t go as planned. It took my wife and I 7 IUI’s and nearly 3 years to get our baby girl here so I understand how heart wrenching the entire process can be. After our 6th IUI and a miscarriage at 9 weeks we took a step back to regroup. It was the best decision we could have ever made and I think your decision to rest and focus on your health is always a good thing. Keep lovin each other and keep the hope alive. I will continue to send prayers your way.

~ Kristin
www.theroybals.blogspot.com

Ryann said...

I have been thinking so much of you both over the past few days. I wish I could say something that would make this time easier, but I know that the strength you have together is more than anyone else can give you.
Know that I am still praying so hard for you and those two precious snow babies waiting for you. I look forward to positive posts about moving forward....
Thinking of you often, praying for you always, Ryann

Lexi + Sarah said...

Ryann, thank you for thinking of us. I was thinking about you as well! How are you doing?! Hope you are settling well :) I know moving can be a pain in the butt especially across the world! We are not going to give up! Ever!

 
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